my immune system feels shot. i worked for 11 hours today with one break. and it was a pretty shitty day. woke up feeling crappy. it was hot as fuck. started at ten. pissed off the servers. was downright mopey. [sp?] dealt with really shitty ppl who are bossy and mean and just can't listen. then ate a banana that shane gave me, felt a little better. had a pizza stick from amy. little bit better still. took my break, went to the bank and got crap news. didn't get what i was hoping for. ate a little. felt dizzy all night. dealt with wierd ppl. d'angelo, remy, and kris helped make me feel a tinsy bit better and then i read bits of "he's just not that in to you" [the book]. made me feel better and worse. got off at 10ish. signed the book for my vacation and now feel like i have the stomach flu. ugh my life.
i'm so stressed and worried about everything and everyone in my life. everyone has these expectations of me that i feel like i can't meet. at home, at work, with friends. i don't wanna let anyone down. i wanna make everyone happy and have everything be "perfect" and i can't seem to come to terms with the fact that that will never happen. i can't make myself happy. it's miserable. i know i need space. i know i need to think. i know i can't rush or force anything. i know i have to go to college. i know what i shouldn't do. that i shouldn't call or txt or be pushy. that i should let things run their course. i know i know i know but i don't wanna listen. yet, when i don't listen i turn out like the psycho bitch that no one would want and realize by trying to hard i'm fucking everything up. i just don't understand anymore. i don't get the purpose of things and events. i don't wanna go to college cause i'm scared shitless. i don't wanna stay here cause "there's nothing here for me". i don't wanna travel, or move, or talk or be. and i think it's been like that for a while. not cause of anyone or anything but because i lost my drive. i lost everything it feels like. i know i need to pick myself up and focus and do laundry and pack and get my life moving but it's too scary. and i can't tell anyone how i honestly feel cause i don't feel like they wanna listen. nobody is honestly truly there for me. everyone has their own motives and reasons. everyone has their own stories and advice. people are selfish. hell i'm fucking selfish and i'm realizing it. but god damn it what are we if we can't think of ourselves first sometimes? it's not worth it if you can't be happy. ugh. i hate all these fucking revelations and the way time is passing so quickly. i leave so damn soon i can't bare it. it feels so unfair that i have to do something i so don't want. that i never really wanted but can't dissapoint everyone right? ugh. everyone else gets so much more time and i keep thinking they'll all forget me. god i can't even breath right now. i miss my life. i know it wasn't perfect but i was starting to be okay with that. i know i need to change and fix things in myself and learn to have 'friends' again... and whatever. i gotta fake it till it starts to feel okay again. i just know it won't for a long long long time. my brain hurts. my heart hurts. my stomach hurts.
goodnight.
Kelsey you know the people who aren't gonna forget you. I won't forget you. I know it won't help and sounds selfish but I'm lonely too. No one really understands. And people are going to impose their opinions on you like, give him space, or distract yourself. Yea I know. But all that's going to help is time. And all your friends can do is listen. Heartbreak is a hard thing because all anyone can do for you is be there. My sister told me all this. So anyway, just know that where ever you are and where ever I am, I'm here for you. You're one of those people who understands to me. Without having to lay everything in front of you you know and you're my close friend, and I won't forget you.
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