i had an absolutely terrible time trying to sleep last night. it was just horrible. i don't think i passed out till well around 1 am. i was in the worst mood cause i've felt so completely overwhelmed in the last couple of days with break almost over and school right around the corner it just seems like too much to handle. it also completely upset me when i learned that my hanai grandfather's (adoptive but not blood related, more like family friend) real great granddaughter ran away after she had saved up the 50s he'd been giving her daily. this 15 yr old is a complete little druggie and a total punk bitch, excuse my language. it just made me so darn frustrated that she is given all these chances and throws it to shit when i struggle to do well to give myself a chance while my parents sway with their money woes. it just proves the age old saying that life simply isn't fair. it's a lesson i'm still learning, obviously, and will be for the rest of my life. i guess you just have to make the best of what you have, i gotta think positive. i have an amazing boyfriend and lots of passion to get where i want to go... i just hope its enough....
another reason i had my little issues last night is because i feel a little like i've lost myself in all this work and driving and worrying. i don't care about me anymore. and im sure that's a little unhealthy. anytime im not in the car, being the taxi, or worrying about college/homework, or at work, im sleeping or hanging out with patrick, the fun part of my break. everything else has been hectic and i can't say i've liked this break all that much. its just one thing after another!!! even resting has become troublesome because it seems to cut into the time i need to actually get stuff done.
i've given up taking care of myself for things i can't get done because im frustrated and miserable. blah. im content with everything but myself. how sad is that?! so no more. i'm going to make myself a priority and hopefully the college apps, scholarship apps, homework, family matters, and relationships will follow suit. that is how it's supposed to work right? well if anyone has some incite i'd more than greatly appreciate it. i think the first step will be getting in shape, a little sun and a little exercise should do me some good and maybe it will motivate me. so i hereby bind myself to at least a half hour walk a day, with or without company. i think it'll be peaceful and maybe unstress me a little bit. i think it's one of the things i've lost control of the most, i mean even though i didn't exercise all that much before i rode my bike quite often and me and patrick were always playing in the pool, which had to help a bit. i mean i can't even touch my toes without a little strain, which is not like me at all. so getting in shape will be first, maybe some pilates and yoga will follow, and i think cutting out harsh meats will be good too, considering it might have been a bad decision to stop being a vegetarian cause now im a fatty =p. so once i start this little commitment good will hopefully follow. and maybe i'll be an all around happier and nicer person. after that initial kick maybe i won't overwhelm myself as much.
well enough of the pity party haha. i woke up bright and early, against my will, and have been at work for going on 4 1/2 hours. oh boy. coffee coffee coffee. work work work. at least i have my trusty computer and a little homework to pass the time. it's only 11am and i'm done at 3 so not too far off. wish i had a good book to read instead but homework is more important, maybe after i finish i'll make a trip to barnes and noble, a little " well done treat " so i can spend all my money and books. =]. it really is the only wise use of cash haha. i was looking at some really interesting books on medicine too, one about a doctor who was on call in iraq looked extremely well done and intriguing. so that could be my big buy =]. i recently finished brisingr, the third book in the inheritance cycle, and it was absolutely perfect. i love fantasy and this 700+ page novel on dragons was just the thing to keep me going last saturday as i sat in the very spot, bored out of my mind.
well i better get back to work, of some kind. probably check in after my walk tonight for a little relieving of all the stuff that sits so unorganized on my conscience. so i'll leave you with this cute little comic that i found in today's issue of the Honolulu Advertiser. a little birdie schizophrenia if you ask me haha.
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